Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
