I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
