I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
