Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
