oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I didn't notice because vodka
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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