someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
