Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
