and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
