I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
