You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
