I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love having hate sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
