Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
