My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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