Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
