You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
