I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
