Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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