I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
