You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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