I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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