True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need a beard to bite.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
