i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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