I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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