puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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