Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
