Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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