Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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