yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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