Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This baby is an asshole
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
