Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
