So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
