How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize