I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
