Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
