What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
