we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
