It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
