dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
