I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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