when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
