That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
