Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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