Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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