Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
