it hurts more in the daytime
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
