the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
