a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
