Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
