Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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