We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
