bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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