You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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